Swimming With Weights - Part I

This will be a different blog post. But, I said this blog would be about my life - the unfiltered version. Truth is, I have been meaning to get a blog post published for weeks now and haven’t been able to. The only idea that comes to mind is to write about Gus (my forever six-year-old who is in Heaven) and my grief - so that’s what I’m going to do. 

This past week has been extremely difficult for me. My eyes are continually puffy from crying. In the past, writing has been a way for me to cope, so we will try this out. 

I get asked often - how are you doing? It’s such a loaded question for me, even now, one year and eight months after Gus’ death. 

I heard the expression ‘swimming with weights on my ankles’ at some point last year, and I haven’t forgotten it. That’s how I’m doing. I’m swimming. 

But with weights.

I know how to swim—I’m actually pretty good at it. I grew up on the swim team, competing all the way through high school and then coaching the sport afterward. Swimming is something I am very familiar with and truly love, so this analogy really hits home for me. 

I am good at swimming. I appear to be good at swimming.    

But now? Now when I swim I feel like I have weights on my ankles. 24/7. My weights never come off. They are always present and some days they are heavier than others. 

When my weights are light, it may appear that I’m doing well. You may think to yourself, “I knew she used to be a really great swimmer; it looks like she’s getting back into it!” But what you can’t see are the weights. These weights continually drag me down, trying to pull me under the water. 

I feel like I am CONSTANTLY swimming against the weights. I am forever trying to stay afloat, trying not to drown in my grief. Most days, the struggle with my weights happens every minute. 

At this point, you would think my body would have adjusted to the weights, but that is so far from the truth. The water surrounding me sometimes feels thicker, sometimes my weights are heavier, and sometimes I am positive that a current is working against me. 

How am I? 

I am surviving. 

I am surviving but with weights on my ankles.

I am surviving, but I am almost certain there are days when I won’t be able to stay above the water. 

But then, someone throws me a float. 

My weight is still there, the water current is still working against me, I feel like I’m being sucked into deeper water, but a lifeline appears. 

A conversion with a close friend, a smile from a stranger, the embrace of a family member… whatever it is, no matter how trivial it may seem, it’s helping me with my weights. 

God has surrounded me with lifelines, and I am forever thankful for that. 

How am I doing?

I’m surviving.

I’m surviving with the help of God, my family, and my friends. 

I’m surviving but with weights. 

Gus and I at Great Wolf Lodge in June 2022 - He had the BEST time at GWL. Swimming with Gus was always something I cherished. I'm so happy he loved it as much as me.